Revenge as my Teacher

A recent Monday night was the holder of a beautiful lesson of the wave of emotions that will offer me a new pair of glasses to see that I am growing. To make a long story short I was victim of an act of immaturity that brought anger, sadness, fear of not being safe and revenge to my present state of awareness. I was hurt by the act of another human being that immediately created a need for ill-will, revenge and an obsessing array of thoughts of how I will get back at this person for making me feel this way. Let me tell you that my old patterns of behavior were on a rampage. I recall this gut wrenching feeling that was powerful, all-consuming and sickening. All I could do was sit and manifest these thoughts into my next move. Then a light of understanding covered my entire Being. I sat in silence with my feelings and began to reflect on what was really happening. This act of stupidity was not a reflection of me, I did not create this hostility in my life and what I've learned is that the only thing I can control is my response to such things. This person is a beautiful soul who means no harm and I clearly know that he did not sit in contemplation on how he would hurt me. I was all of a sudden NOT attached to the situation at hand but rather in contemplation as to what my part of it was and the lesson I was to learn. Love is an energy that flows all around us, we merely push it from one to another. It was now my understanding that rather to find a way to hurt this individual, I would love him even more. I would meditate the energy of love to him, all around him and for him. We are all in a personal state of awareness and the actions that we proclaim are a direct result of that awareness. Some of us are farther along in the process, but that makes us no better. God's plan is not for us to understand, but to have faith in knowing that it is for the best. For me I must remember that I never lose, I either win or I learn. What I have learned from this process is that I am a child of God, and that I walk with my brothers and sisters. I have a purpose to respond to the Universe in a loving and purposeful way and to be of Service, even to those who may harm me. Namaste.

What does music do for me? As the universe selects the genres of my past through the radio, road trip DJs, internet playlists; I am reminded through the  artists' emotions, darkest secrets, fears and passions that I have lived and am living a beautiful life. I am a woman of many tunes and music gives an extra beat or two to my heart. It often allows me to laugh at the memories of dating, dancing, good times with friends. It creates a space for me to cry whilst reminiscing over lost love, floating souls and the upbringing of buried emotions.  It fires up my hormones and creates spontaneous rage of frustrations and weaknesses that move me closer to serenity. It reminds me to be present, to flutter with the wind, to dance with the vibration of my heart. Music has a way of bringing me to the reality of life. It offers an invitation of reflection and idealism. The many genres I enjoy are classical, hard rock, gospel, bluegrass, country, soft, hip hop, kirtan, funkadelic, trap, and any other genre with a beat that hasn't yet been defined. Each one brings me to a different awareness, a different chapter of my life.

My favorite genres are classical, country, rock and roll and kirtan. Classical music brings a soothing platform to reflect, to think, to create and study. Country takes me back to my roots in the rolling hills of Western Maryland. Hard Rock and Heavy Metal gets me moving. It validates the dancing demons in my head, thrashing back and forth to screams of the electric guitar. It gives me the drive to shoot, run, conquer and thrive.

The moral of my musical career is that it takes me back to the 1st vibration, that of the heart. It speaks to me, justifies I am not alone in this world, and allows me to learn who these artists really are. It is education, freedom, satisfaction and motivation!

Alone for 24 hours - I found myself in gratitude and strength!

As a young woman in recovery, embracing gratitude is a staple in my life. It is what makes me yearn for the moment, get through difficult times and find peace. Without gratitude, I often resort back to my selfish ways, entertainment of the ego and getting angry with people, places and things I cannot control. I have beautiful support of my fellowship, sponsorship family and dear friends to remind me to fortify gratitude, which allows me to come out on the other side. This reflection has cultivated a remembrance of where I came from, what else lies in the world that is bigger than me, and that during any given situation I find myself in, there is someone else out there struggling or yearning for life or love. I find that not only listing what I am grateful for but also how I felt and the reflection upon the thought was gratifying in itself.

As I swung from 2 tall pines in my hammock during a 24-hour vision quest I found so very much to be grateful for; the graceful movement of the creatures of the forest, the swaying of the grasses and how they flowed in the rhythm of my breath, and the symphonic harmony of the crickets. I asked myself, although I feel and know I am grateful for these things, where does this gratitude come from? It hit me out of nowhere, gratitude is a form of life, of surrender to the moment and I connected with all of it, to all of it. I embraced it, breathed into it and cried with the overwhelming feeling of love and joy. The week prior I had been listing what I was grateful for on G160, some of which were: the blue skies, my mom, my breath, my God and it wasn’t until I was alone with myself and the earth that I understood what it all meant. Inspiration and my studies at MUIH have come together to teach me a very valuable lesson in life; it’s not just the words of gratitude, but what it feels like, how the emotion pushes on and holding on to the presence of it for as long as possible. Yes to life! Yes to gratitude! Yes to Oneness.

Strengths are the next best thing to be grateful for. I recently took a survey call the VIA survey of Character Strengths. My top 5 strengths miraculously were exactly what I expected them to be. Again swinging from 2 small pines I pondered my strengths and how I embrace them. I'm grateful for my reflections...

Looking in the mirror I usually see past myself, like a flash of light passing through a subway window. I see where correction needs to be done, the blemishes that needs covered, the eyelashes that aren’t long enough, the lips that look dull, the nose that is too round. All negative, all imperfections, all hatred. This week I prepared myself to look in the mirror and only search for beauty and excellence, and that is exactly what I found. It took a while, some tears had formed but I saw it, I saw me. I saw the beauty in myself, the creation I was. I stared at myself for quite some time, smiling, laughing, and feeling the love that I had never felt before. I liked what I saw. I’m ok with me. A revelation! An imperfect perfection.

Curiosity and interest in the world was vehemently apparent during my vision. I believe I went into the woods at approximately high noon given I was not permitted with any electronics or a watch. So I got curious and I got interested. How did the world work according to these principles? I have never had to tell time from the sun. I experimented for the next 24 hours, guessing what time it was. I still to this day am not sure how correct I was, but that is what keeps it interesting. The purity and perfection of time was of no value. I had become to enjoy this new sense of curiosity. Other areas of the strength were my studies of the way nature lives, the birds that fly from one tree to the next, seeking food, in an upside down state. It was as if they were clinging to the underside of the branch just so that I could see them. They were showing me their strengths!

Social intelligence is another way of saying, “I’m an empath!” A year and a half ago I went to dinner with several friends to send off a dear friend who was moving to an Ashram in Florida. His Aunt attended and happened to sit next to me. Little did I know she is a psychic and insisted on reading my palm. It was then I was told I had the markings of an empath. I did a little research back then, and really what I found out was that I now understand why I am so emotional in relationship to the sufferings or joys that happen to people around me. It wasn’t until this past week that I was sitting by the Bay with a friend and we embarked on a conversation discussing energy. I noticed that I had been able to absorb and feel the energies of others and wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. As I explained the phenomenon to him, he had some doubt but supported my findings. I explored a little once I arrived home and found this was common with empaths. At first I was unsure, a bit frustrated and little scared, but I turned my perception and looked at it from another angle. I could use this as a benefit. I am in the field of Coaching and Breathwork and what better quality or skill to have than to connect to and understand the energies of people. I wowed myself on this one!

Creativity, ingenuity and originality are a work all in itself. I find that as I walk through my days, sometimes I’m quick to judge, quick to act or quick to hide. As I’ve always seen this as a negative quality, I’ve shifted my philosophy to see these things as areas to improve, but to focus on the awareness that I have of them today. Two and half years ago during the peak of my addiction, I had no idea who I was, where I was or what I had to offer this life. Through a 12-step program and awakening I am able to hold dear the creative side of me, the ingenuity of connection and originality. I finally reflected on this strength, saw a creative side of me this week, and made my website and facebook page public. I had been balking on this for several weeks, as my ego told me it wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t creative, no one would like it. Through embracing my authentic happiness I took a chance and I’m grateful!

Last but not least is gratitude. I’ve catapulted this strength in exponential numbers this week. Reflecting on the vision quest I was a part of, the three blessings exercise and sitting with the authenticity of my 5 greatest strengths, I couldn’t be more grateful. The Universe has opened up a whole new journey for me and I’m eager to embark on a new chapter.

It is empowering to remember that we must take care of ourselves and find a balance in our lives. As we reflect on our ups and downs, strengths and gratitude we can then share our experience. Just as I experienced behavior change over the last 2 weeks, the experience of practicing these exercises is what creates the memory to draw on in our brain and in our minds. If we attach positivity to that memory we can recall a change of good. The lessons of all of this add another level of mindfulness to my toolbox. The more experiences I engage in and reflect upon the more varieties of tools I have to pull from.

            

The intelligence of emotion

Emotional Intelligence is the new wave. EI is an overarching model in today's social and professional environments. The core elements of EI; self awareness, self-managment, social awareness and relationship management come together consecutively to create an atmosphere of learning and growth for anyone willing to look internally, which in turn allows us to become a healing presence. Becoming a healing presence as we have learned will encompass many attributes of self-worth. I truely believe all aspects of EI are essential.  Daniel Goleman focuses on EI in the workplace and I couldn't agree more that EI is a very valuable asset to have or bring to the table as an employee. I'm learning in my industry that it very difficult to find employees that are empathetic, compassionate or selfless. Most applicants feel if they come with experience they have an automatic foot in the door. I am finding that EI is more of an attribute that reading and math as Daniel explains as basic skills. Skills which can be taught. EI cannot be taught unless one is willing to look inside. 

My strengths from the ESIC inventory are self-awareness, positive outlook, coach, mentor and influence, and I will strive to continue with the practice of request and big questions to harbor learning and growth in these areas. Self management has been a total curve ball in my life not only the last few years but especially now that I am really paying attention to it. The observer practice has by far been the most influential. As I continue to observe and really witness the thoughts and perceptions in my daily interactions I can definitly do more thinking through the big picture. As I'm learning that I'm a do'er, I tend to quickly react to get a job done and not really think about all persons, feelings and reactions involved. Utilizing the observer practice (and maintaining a focused and calm emotion) I am learning the skill of pause and act.  I am pleased to find that coaching and influence are my strengths. As I spoke earlier in the course, I tend to be really hard on myself and seeing what I thought to be strengths in black and white gave me a boost of confidence. 

Relationship managment I believe is a core element to becoming an effective coach. With success in this quadrant, the other 3 elements must be present and in our awareness. Effective coaching is defined in this quadranct as developing rather than teaching, and helping people find their way. 

Public Energy

I'd like to reflect on a particular meditative practice this week that was full of learning, challenges and surprises. I sat in a busy cafe with 3 people from my inspiration community. Our task was to meditate 30 minutes together. We chose Starbucks at Harbour Center (Annapolis) Quite a happening place on a Sunday morning may I add. I wasn't sure how this was going to go, but I was open to the possibilities. The first few minutes were very challenging as the movements around me were amplified and distracting. I found myself saying, "this is going to be impossible." I could feel the energy around me; although it was a Sunday morning the movement of everyone felt rushed. The quick turning of newspaper pages, the rushed conversations, people falling over chairs, etc. I then began my integrative breathing, allowing my whole body to be with the breath. I learned that once I focused internally and really became one with the present moment the outside chatter began to diminish. Since we were breathing for 30 minutes I took it slow. I started at my root chakra, breathed red, told myself, "I am fully alive," and then the magic happened...the SURPRISE! I was fully engaged in my meditation. I went through each chakra, breathing every color, really feeling those parts of my body. The energy was pumping, the breath was present, and I was floating. I'm not sure if it was the environment I was in, the positive energy of the people I was with, or the mere fact that I just let go. Nonetheless, it was an ivigorating experience that I will cherrish and remember. The young lady across the table from me commented on the amazing energy she felt from me. I'm grateful that not only did I experience it, so did she!

Breath with me

Another moment of surrender, to my loving God, my higher power, my universe. I sat today in an empty parking lot, tears forming in my eyes, with my own defamation of character and the wanting to just hide. Where does this come from? I have so much to be grateful for. I lost a dear friend today, not to the heavens but to his own self-will. The realization is, was this friend really a friend? What went so wrong that the need emerged to remove me from life. I owned this behavior, I blamed myself, I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and remorse. What I could have done differently? Then the tools began to shine, from the knowledge of the love, from my own reflection of past experiences; this is not mine to own. These thoughts are formed from a deep fear of rejection and the need for acceptance. I turned to google: Lecrae says, "You live for their acceptance, you die from their rejection." Yes! My dear friend tells me to remember that the Universe gives us what we need at exactly the right time. This couldn't be more true. The week was a reflection of self-compassion.

Assets of self-awareness in helping others

Self-awareness is a tool of essence, as it invites us to observe, reflect, learn and grow to enlightenment of mind, body and spirit consciousness. Self-awareness serves as an asset  because it allows us the opportunity to watch the inner workings of our minds, the struggles we go through and the progress we make. 

I thought how may this reflect onto the lives that cross my path. The one who is struggling with self-acceptance, the co-worker who doesn't think she is good enough at her job, the student who is fearful she will fail, the friend who doesn't understand why she doesn't fit in. Then I realized that our experiences are what give us knowledge and anyone can pass this on to any living creature.  

In order for us to learn new and different techniques to support those who seek our help, we must be fully present in the way we think, feel and behave. Are we positive in our thoughts, do we treat ourselves with dignity and respect, are we compassionate towards others, are we quick to anger, do we commit to a meditation practice?   Do we live in love, compassion and self-awareness?

Healing prescence in my words

A healing presence is finding the balance between internal and external phenomena, and being aware of how life unfolds around us. It is watering and tending to the seeds of love and compassion.  It is accepting the observations of love and suffering and committing to Large Mind responses.  Tom writes in Dancing with the Ten Thousand Things, "A healing presence learns to transform compassion and good intentions into actions...these students learn not to just insert a needle, they learn to be the needle." This offers a example of healing presence in that we can learn the material and recite the material, but we must be, feel and live the material to be the presence.   Healing presence is also definitive of practice and mindfulness. Through enriching our lives through practice and reflection can we then enrich that of another.  

Helping Others Help Themselves

Helping others help “themselves” is in my opinion, a prerequisite for living a life of service. We are born to inspire, empower, motivate and learn from each other. What better way to live a life of fulfillment than to be a personal advocate of positive well- being. The passion of helping others help themselves has always been a part of my journey. Only recently has it come to light that I can pursue this passion in more ways then one. Over a year ago I participated in a coaching seminar through SHRM, and have been using the techniques I learned every day in my role as an HR professional. I find excitement guiding people through questions and insights to allow them to come up with their own ideas and assist them in pursuit of accomplishment. This realization allowed me to strike a conversation with a dear friend who currently attends MUIH. It was her that suggested I look through the MUIH website to seek options. I stumbled upon the MA of Health and Wellness Coaching, and I thought to myself, this is the path I had been looking for.

As a working woman of almost 17 years, I have been in situations where giving up felt like the only way out. Living a balance of work and life is a daily struggle at times and with our current economic state is only twice as hard. Pursuit of a coaching degree will give me the tools I need to effectively, passionately and professionally provide services to employees who live with the same struggles I have. It’s not easy being knowledgeable, honest and human. Our minds wrap us in webs of lies and turmoil only to end in defeat of our own Being. Professionally I have a goal to offer support and resources to the working men and women who truly want to be a value to not only their work but also to themselves.

I’ve been known as the external processor. I tend to answer my own questions and find advocacy through my own struggles. We as humans tend to learn through experience rather than words. Our earth and society is ever changing and it’s a blessing to be in the midst of change as it teaches us new beginnings and allows us to lay rest to the past. I tend to be very coachable in all areas of life. I recently completed an 8-week Awakenings course through the Inspiration School of Consciousness. Through practice and praise was I able to find my voice, my purpose and to become awakened. Being open-minded is crucial to my existence and has offered me a life of many open doors. It’s my job to walk over the threshold.

In my Human Resources experience I feel as though I gain increased exposure and training everyday through my relations with the staff, my co-workers and the Executive team. In working in this field I have learned much about myself and my fellows with regard to communication and presence. While working with the human population and their day to day struggles and triumphs, I’ve learned that the world of coaching and well-being is ever growing. I myself have gone through several counseling sessions, both talk and breathing focused to increase my overall understanding of myself and the way I present to the world. It has been an amazing journey and I’ve grown very rich in awareness and understanding of the struggles we have and how to help myself as well as others overcome these hurdles.

It is through giving that we receive.

Scribbles of Struggles

Lost in translation of what my mind thinks it thinks. Do I go or do I stay. Since I have opened my energy centers and given myself permission to look inside myself I'm finding a host of vulnerability. My perception of boys, work, love, strengths, weaknesses and passions are just to name a few. For years I was sure I knew who I was. Who was I kidding. Today I am finding that I have no clue, well yesterday I have no clue, today the questions are starting to shine. They say that our journey is unfolding exactly as it is supposed to. When I was using I was convinced that life existed inside a drink.  The color of the booze, the shine of the bottle, the effects all defined who I was after that first drink. As I look deep within myself today (which I didn't know could be inifinity) I'm finding that there is a lot to learn.

I've learned of a new person. Loving and lovable, smart and articulate, open and shy, a dancer, a writer and a coach. When we open ourselves to new opportunities and walk through the unknown; life awaits.  The shell of me carried a dormant soul for many decades. Recently passions have evolved that I never knew possible. For years I assumed I had figured it all out. The purpose of life was to work, eat and walk as fast as possible to get to the next window. Today I find peace is the purpose and living a life of love and presence. Days come and go and we can not rewind. To live in the present moment was a foreign concept. What does this mean, how does one do this, what does it feel like. These are the questions my soul wondered but could not declare. Centuries come and go in a blink of an eye. The universe gives us all the wonders we need to live fulfilling, meaningful lives an we greedy people take and take and take. We start our path as part of a vibration of the universe. It's pulsating day and night, naked to the human sense. We give and take vibrations of love, humility and service to find peace